Some pieces are harder to write than others.
This was one of them.
I wrote this to understand something I still don’t fully have words for.
If it feels familiar to you, you’re not alone.
Sending Virtual Hugs, I could resonate in so many ways as for me it was end of losing them for another realm but life doesn't give you second chances. It's now or never!
I just have memories and that one call and a promise would call back and that's it never knew that your tomorrow's are never promised. Never heard her voice again 😢 Thanks @Natasha for writing this beautiful piece touched me to the core.
Loads of hugs…you and aunty are always in my thoughts and prayers…remembering the chai we had together and our conversations.you need to be strong as now your mom relies on you deep within subconsciously!
Hey. This moved me in so many ways. As a daughter, and also as a mom. I don't know whom to feel sorry for, whose view point I should take. I am both and it's hitting me both ways.
I read your piece this morning, and it stayed with me in a very deep way. You gave language to something that is so hard to name. I felt the tenderness, the anger, the exhaustion… all of it. The way you wrote about the small things - the paratha, the chai, the hug - broke my heart. It spoke gently and honestly to the griefs I carry in my own life. I’m very sorry you’re having to carry this. I see how much you’re holding, and how much love you continue to give. That is not small. I’m holding you in my heart with so much love. ❤️
Even reading this was so hard. My dad has Atypical Parkinson's and slowly with time as part of the disease and side effects of the medicines he has lost a lot of empathy, keeps repeating the same questions but remembers things of the past very well. Recently has been hallucinating a lot. We learnt it is a common thing for Parkinson's and is called Lewy Body Dementia. LIfe of course has taken its own course with each of these stages. And when I read yours I kind of relived this entire journey in my head. I do not live with my dad so I do not see these all the time, so I understand what you must be going through. It is sad and yet you have been so strong — for yourself and for her. Hang in with her a little longer. May be the journey will take some happy detours. Hope and pray so. Lots of love.
Oh, dearest Anasuya. Guilt is not calculated by proximity, is it? The guilt we carry, for doijgy, for not doing enough, for staying, for not staying long enough, aah, I can write a thesis on it. Guilt comes at you from so many directions, some I could never have fathomed. But I often tell myself that I do whatever I can and live (try)with it.
You might resonate with a lot of what I'm saying. I just want to thank you for your kindness and support in stopping by. And it made me feel less alone, less lonely.
Very tough times to see a parent being someone they weren't. Words pour out of your keyboard like they need to get out. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but then who said life was all a bed of roses.
That is it, right? Life never promised to be be anything but whatever it is.
And how we take it is the only agency we have. And I have always-and will always-choose laughter over tears. But sometimes like the erstwhile Pushpa, I leak those tears :-)
Hugs to you 💕💕 Here's hoping and praying for more of good days and good moments with your mother. I cannot fathom what you must be going through. I hope you will take comfort in all the happy memories that your mom must have created with you, and I hope those memories make the tough moments slightly easier to deal with. Take care, my girl.
I don’t know how one responds to this. Grief, pain, anger, guilt all of those are valid. Being an individual that your Ma made and the kind of person you are tells us how she may have been. A glimpse of her in you. What you are doing is unprecedented without any training or a manual “how to..”
In some ways it’s like being a parent to a child with special needs. But this is not a child a full grown adult, that too the one who gave birth to you, the one we tend to turn to when the going gets tough.
How does one live with themselves when it is being with her that life has made tough. I couldn’t contain tears. Or the pain my heart felt when it was wrenched at reading so many of the sentences that I can’t fathom how you live with it everyday. Hugs
Natasha, how do you do this? Take apart the deepest part of your life and share it in a way that makes deeply complex emotions as something to embrace and not run away from! As a teacher you will keep teaching us but as a friend I want to give you a hug, you aren’t alone!
Ajay, Thank you for this. I don't know how I do it either, honestly. Maybe it's because keeping it inside felt (feels) more unbearable than putting it out there. Maybe it's because if I'm living this, someone else is too, and they deserve to know they're not alone in the rage and the guilt and the impossible sadness of it all.
You're right that these emotions are complex. But I've learned that the only way through them is through them. Not around. Not over. Straight through the middle, messy and raw and true.
Your hug is received. And reciprocated. And you're right, I'm not alone. Neither are you. None of us are, even when it feels like it. Kindness always comes thru, like your message did.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for holding this with me.
My father-in-law suffered 3 strokes and lost all mobility and communication. Before that, my husband says he was a force to be reckoned with. I saw how much my husband struggled to accept the new reality of who his father had become, but he tells me that in many ways he lost him when the second stroke happened. Nothing was the same after that. He didn't recognise his father, and he once said it was like his soul had left the body but the body was still living.
Grief catches us in so many ways, it's astounding to think about.
Sending you lots of light. It never gets better, but you do (in some strange way).
Sending Virtual Hugs, I could resonate in so many ways as for me it was end of losing them for another realm but life doesn't give you second chances. It's now or never!
I just have memories and that one call and a promise would call back and that's it never knew that your tomorrow's are never promised. Never heard her voice again 😢 Thanks @Natasha for writing this beautiful piece touched me to the core.
Thank you, Reshma.
Losing a parent is always so hard and when you said tomorrow is never promised, it landed
A humongous hug to you ❤️ Thank you ❤️
Loads of hugs…you and aunty are always in my thoughts and prayers…remembering the chai we had together and our conversations.you need to be strong as now your mom relies on you deep within subconsciously!
Beautifully written, Natasha. So sad, but so resilient.
Thank you, Meeti. Hugs.
Hey. This moved me in so many ways. As a daughter, and also as a mom. I don't know whom to feel sorry for, whose view point I should take. I am both and it's hitting me both ways.
Hey, Sudha. I get what you are saying.
It's always a tough spot to be in. Lots of love 😘
I read your piece this morning, and it stayed with me in a very deep way. You gave language to something that is so hard to name. I felt the tenderness, the anger, the exhaustion… all of it. The way you wrote about the small things - the paratha, the chai, the hug - broke my heart. It spoke gently and honestly to the griefs I carry in my own life. I’m very sorry you’re having to carry this. I see how much you’re holding, and how much love you continue to give. That is not small. I’m holding you in my heart with so much love. ❤️
Hey, sweet Karen! Thank you for your kindness and love, my girl.
And I send much love to you along with hugs and positive vibes.
Muah.
Even reading this was so hard. My dad has Atypical Parkinson's and slowly with time as part of the disease and side effects of the medicines he has lost a lot of empathy, keeps repeating the same questions but remembers things of the past very well. Recently has been hallucinating a lot. We learnt it is a common thing for Parkinson's and is called Lewy Body Dementia. LIfe of course has taken its own course with each of these stages. And when I read yours I kind of relived this entire journey in my head. I do not live with my dad so I do not see these all the time, so I understand what you must be going through. It is sad and yet you have been so strong — for yourself and for her. Hang in with her a little longer. May be the journey will take some happy detours. Hope and pray so. Lots of love.
Oh, dearest Anasuya. Guilt is not calculated by proximity, is it? The guilt we carry, for doijgy, for not doing enough, for staying, for not staying long enough, aah, I can write a thesis on it. Guilt comes at you from so many directions, some I could never have fathomed. But I often tell myself that I do whatever I can and live (try)with it.
You might resonate with a lot of what I'm saying. I just want to thank you for your kindness and support in stopping by. And it made me feel less alone, less lonely.
🤗🤗
Very tough times to see a parent being someone they weren't. Words pour out of your keyboard like they need to get out. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but then who said life was all a bed of roses.
That is it, right? Life never promised to be be anything but whatever it is.
And how we take it is the only agency we have. And I have always-and will always-choose laughter over tears. But sometimes like the erstwhile Pushpa, I leak those tears :-)
The pain, almost a betrayal of the woman she once was, so beautiful articulated Natasha. Sending you love❤️
Thank you, Vidya. A huge hug back at ya❣️
I am moved by this :( Stay strong and take care ❤️
Thank you for stopping by.
Hugs to you 💕💕 Here's hoping and praying for more of good days and good moments with your mother. I cannot fathom what you must be going through. I hope you will take comfort in all the happy memories that your mom must have created with you, and I hope those memories make the tough moments slightly easier to deal with. Take care, my girl.
Thank you,Deepa.
This was like a hug.
🤗
I don’t know how one responds to this. Grief, pain, anger, guilt all of those are valid. Being an individual that your Ma made and the kind of person you are tells us how she may have been. A glimpse of her in you. What you are doing is unprecedented without any training or a manual “how to..”
In some ways it’s like being a parent to a child with special needs. But this is not a child a full grown adult, that too the one who gave birth to you, the one we tend to turn to when the going gets tough.
How does one live with themselves when it is being with her that life has made tough. I couldn’t contain tears. Or the pain my heart felt when it was wrenched at reading so many of the sentences that I can’t fathom how you live with it everyday. Hugs
Hugs to you! You left me speechless!
Thank you, darling ❤️
A tear got tough to contain, just like a person with FTD. :( More power to you!
Thank you. A big big big hug to you.
Natasha, how do you do this? Take apart the deepest part of your life and share it in a way that makes deeply complex emotions as something to embrace and not run away from! As a teacher you will keep teaching us but as a friend I want to give you a hug, you aren’t alone!
Ajay, Thank you for this. I don't know how I do it either, honestly. Maybe it's because keeping it inside felt (feels) more unbearable than putting it out there. Maybe it's because if I'm living this, someone else is too, and they deserve to know they're not alone in the rage and the guilt and the impossible sadness of it all.
You're right that these emotions are complex. But I've learned that the only way through them is through them. Not around. Not over. Straight through the middle, messy and raw and true.
Your hug is received. And reciprocated. And you're right, I'm not alone. Neither are you. None of us are, even when it feels like it. Kindness always comes thru, like your message did.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for holding this with me.
Sending you lots of hugs, Natasha
thank you, dearest Rashmi. Hope you are doing well?
I am good. Thanks <3
My father-in-law suffered 3 strokes and lost all mobility and communication. Before that, my husband says he was a force to be reckoned with. I saw how much my husband struggled to accept the new reality of who his father had become, but he tells me that in many ways he lost him when the second stroke happened. Nothing was the same after that. He didn't recognise his father, and he once said it was like his soul had left the body but the body was still living.
Grief catches us in so many ways, it's astounding to think about.
Sending you lots of light. It never gets better, but you do (in some strange way).
Thank you, dearest Tanisha.
This helps because it makes one feel less alone. Thank you for your kindness.
Lots of love.